You and I have been together for a long time. I’ve munched popcorn in the dark at the cinema watching you since 1984. There you were in A Nightmare on Elm Street, and I appreciated your baby face in 1986, in a bit part as the interpreter in Platoon.
One of your best years was in 1993. Your sensitive portrayal in What’s Eating Gilbert Grape? and your Buster Keaton impersonation captivated me in Benny and Joon.
What could be more bizarre than starring in a Terry Gilliam film in 1998 along Benicio Del Toro with an unusual supporting cast including Tobey Maguire, Christina Ricci, Gary Busey and Cameron Diaz? Surely that’s a weird enough nightmare for you, Johnny?
You were cool and sexy and dangerous in Chocolat (2000) and Blow (2001) and From Hell (2001).
And while you were boring in Public Enemies (2009) and The Tourist(2010), I blamed it on the script and gave you the benefit of the doubt,
because you were funny in Once Upon a Time in Mexico (2003) and charming in Finding Neverland (2004).
Stephen Sondheim is the best. In high school, I memorized all the lyrics to Sweeney Todd when it was out on Broadway (1979) and starred Angela Lansbury. I was thrilled with your baritone voice and your harmonizing with Alan Rickman in the 2007 version. I’m very excited to hear that you will be starring with Meryl Streep in Sondheim’s Into the Woods in 2014. I’m sure it will be a gas. BUT….
If I see you in one more Tim Burton film, I will disavow our relationship! Please, no more Helena Bonham Carter! I don’t care if you are the godparent to Tim and Helena’s son Billy Ray. In fact, please stop wearing make-up in general. Must there be a fifth Pirates of the Caribbean? It’s getting old.
Your Favorite Fan